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Here are some more of Fred's jokes!
For those of you who never saw the Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930s and '40s.
Before the interstates, when everyone drove the old 2-lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the country-side in farmers' fields.
They were small red signs with white letters.
Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet...... and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.
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DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
*** Burma Shave***
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DONT STICK YOUR HEAD
OUT THE WINDOW TOO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN AN OTHER CAR
***Burma Shave***
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DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
***Burma Shave***
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BROTHER SPEEDERS
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING NURSE
***Burma Shave***
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CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND MORE STEER
***Burma Shave***
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SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
***Burma Shave***
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THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE
***Burma Shave***
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AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
ITS BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
***Burma shave***
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NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
*** Burma Shave***
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A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
***Burma Shave***
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AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT ITS HARD TO PLAY
***Burma Shave***
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BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
***Burma Shave***
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THE ONE WHO DRIVES WHEN
HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
***Burma Shave***
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CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
***Burma Shave***
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PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
***Burma Shave*
*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*
OLDIE!!!
The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself, however the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.
St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone.
The tests are short, but you have to pass them before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here St. Peter, sir, but nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter goes on, "yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions."
Here is the first one: What days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.
Forrest says,"well, the first one-how many days in the week begin with the letter T?"
"Shucks, that one's easy, that'd be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer."
How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St.Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd. . ."
"Hold it," interrupts St.Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."
"Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?
"Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy."
"Andy!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "OK, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of Andy as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."
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Brendan Behan, late Irish author, was the soul of courtesy, but there were times when he could give back as good as he got.
Brendan and a friend were emerging from the Long Hall in Dublin during the Christmas season, and Brendan had the misfortune to bump into a lady laden with parcels, the result being to scatter her parcels all over the pavement.
Brendan promptly stooped to recover them from among the feet of the passers-by and restore them to her arms, but her ladyship's temper was not satisfied.
"I'd have you know," she declared angrily, "that my husband's a detective, and, if he was here, he'd take ye!"
This was too much for Brendan, who after all had done his best.
"Ma'am," said he, "I don't doubt it for a second. If he took you, he'd take anything."
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Stay tuned for more of Fred's Funnies!