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Here are some more of Fred's jokes!
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Eulogy for Common Sense
Today we mourn the passing of an old friend by the name of Common Sense.
Common Sense lived a long life but died from heart failure at
the brink of the millennium. No one really knows how old he was since
his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He
selflessly devoted his life to service in schools, hospitals, homes,
factories and offices, helping folks get jobs done without fanfare and
foolishness.
For decades, petty rules, silly laws and frivolous lawsuits held no
power over Common Sense. He was credited with cultivating such valued
lessons as to know when to come in out of the rain, the early bird gets
the worm, and life isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
than you earn), reliable parenting strategies (adults are in charge, not
kids), and it's okay to come in second.
A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, and the
Technological Revolution, Common Sense survived cultural and educational
trends including feminism, body piercing, whole language and "new math."
But his health declined when he became infected with the
"If-it-only-helps-one-person-it's-worth-it" virus. In recent decades his
waning strength proved no match for the ravages of overbearing federal
regulation.
He watched in pain as good people became ruled by self-seeking lawyers
and enlightened auditors.
His health rapidly deteriorated when schools endlessly implemented zero
tolerance policies, reports of six year old boys charged with sexual
harassment for kissing a classmate, a teen suspended for taking a swig
of mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly
student. It declined even further when schools had to get parental
consent to administer aspirin to a student but cannot inform the parent
when the female student is pregnant or wants an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost his will to live as the Ten Commandments
became contraband, churches became businesses, criminals received
better treatment than victims, and federal judges stuck their noses in
everything from Boy Scouts to professional sports.
As the end neared, Common Sense drifted in and out of logic but was
kept informed of developments, regarding questionable regulations for
asbestos, low flow toilets, "smart" guns, the nurturing of Prohibition
Laws and mandatory air bags.
Finally when told that the homeowners association restricted exterior
furniture only to that which enhanced property values, he breathed his
last.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust;
his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son,
Reason.
He is survived by three stepbrothers: Rights, Tolerance and Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
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An elderly lady was known for her faith and her boldness in talking
about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "Praise the
Lord!"
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get angry at her
proclamations and he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady and she prayed to God to send
her some assistance... She stood on her front porch and shouted,
"Praise the Lord...God I need food!! I am having a hard time.
Please, Lord, send me some groceries."
The next morning the lady went out on her porch, noted a large bag
of groceries and she shouted, "Praise the Lord."
The neighbour jumped up from behind a bush and said, "Ha ha.. I
told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries. God didn't."
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and
saying, "Praise the Lord. He not only sent me groceries but He
made the devil pay for them. PRAISE THE LORD."
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"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day he took me aside and left me there." - Ron Richards
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POEM FOR COMPUTER USERS OVER 40
A computer was something on TV
From a Science Fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the father of a goat.
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.
A Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-in. floppy
You hoped nobody found out
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead.
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Stay tuned for more of Fred's Funnies!