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Here are some more of Fred's jokes!
A pastor was assigned to a new church. He was worried how he
would be received. At a reception for the pastor, he was given
a nametag. Under his name was written, "Hog caller".
The pastor responded by saying, "I usually am called 'shepherd
of the sheep', but you know your congregation better than I do!"
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During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self-defense. After he presented anumber of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone was coming at you with a big, sharp knife?"
The student replied. "BIG ones."
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According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight.
The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign.
The vibration stopped immediately.
A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.
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At one point in my life I had considered joining the Baptist Church. For those of you who don't know, the Baptists practice total body immersion to baptize a person.
Luckily I even knew a minister in that faith, having dated his daughter, and I asked him if he would consider performing the service.
He paused a minute or two, gave me a long thoughtful look and said, "Ray, if you're serious about this, a dipping just won't do it for you. We'll have to find a place to anchor you overnight."
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Linda and Marion were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.
"I started a new practice last year," Linda said. "I insist that each
of my employees take at least a week off every three months."
"Why in the world would you do that?" Marion asked.
"It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without," Linda said.
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Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received
a jury-duty notice. She called to remind the people at the clerk's
office that she was exempt because of her age.
"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," they said.
"I've already done that," she replied. "I did it last year."
"You have to do it every year," she was told.
"Why?" She asked. "Do you think I'm going to get any younger?"
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The Home Mechanic.....
A woman calls an import parts warehouse and asks for a 28-ounce water pump. "A what?" says the confused parts guy.
"My husband says he needs a 28-ounce water pump."
"A 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car does it fit?"
"A Datsun."
As he writes down "Datsun, 28 oz. water pump" the light in his head
goes on. "Oh yes ma'am. We've got 28-ounce water pumps. We have
24-ounce and 26-ounce water pumps too."
"Finally," she says. "You're the first place I've called that knew what I was talking about."
"Yes ma'am. That's because we're a full service parts warehouse. It's
our job to have the parts you need, when you need them, like a
28-ounce water pump," he says, smiling, as he jots down customer
pick-up, Datsun 280Z water pump, part number ...
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Stay tuned for more of Fred's Funnies!