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Here are some more of Fred's jokes!
BOY : Since we met, I can't eat or drink...
GIRL: Why not?
BOY : I'm broke.
BOY : I can't leave you.
GIRL: Do you love me so much?
BOY : It's not that. You're standing on my foot.
BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL: No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL: Did you miss me while I was away?
BOY : Were you away?
GIRL: Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night?
BOY : What time was it?
GIRL: Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
GIRL: If we become engaged will you give me a ring?
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number?
GIRL: I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple.
GIRL: Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve?
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL: How soon?
*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*
The differences between how a woman and a man uses a drive-through
banking machine. Here is his and hers Automatic Teller Machine (ATM) usage
explained...
HIS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
HERS
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rear-view mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in chequebook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in chequebook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and chequebook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake
*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*
A policeman pulled a blonde over while she was driving the wrong way
on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you are going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the people are leaving.
*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*
Two farmers were comparing notes on the poor harvest.
"Jeb, I'm telling you the wheat was so poor I had to
harvest it with scissors."
"That's nothing, Grady. I had to lather my field and shave it."
*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*
Abe is a new arrival at a retirement community, and is
passing the morning sunning himself on a bench near the
garden.
Becky is out for her morning constitutional, spies
Abe, and says "Do you mind?"
"Not at all" Abe says, so Becky sits down on the opposite
end of his bench.
"So, you're new here" says Becky.
"Yes" Abe nods.
"So, where are you from?" asks Becky.
"Washington" Abe answers.
"The state or the capitol?" asks Becky.
"The state" replies Abe.
"So how old are you ? asks Becky.
"I'll be 52 in October.". Abe replies
"What did you do in Washington?" asks Becky.
"I was in prison" Abe says.
"Really!" says Becky, "what did you do?"
"My wife was always asking stupid questions, so I chopped
her up and put her down the garbage disposal" he says.
"Sooo," purrs Becky, "you're single?"
*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*
Bill was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop,
and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission.
Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.
After several days, Bill again contacted the phone company and told
that there was no longer a rush.
The phone was now working fine... except that all money was being
returned upon completion of each call.
A repairman arrived within the hour!
*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*
One night at about 3am my wife was getting up from the
tollet to return to bed when she heard a little noise.
It
was a suspiciously rodent like sound that seemed to be
right in the bathroom with her.
She of course froze and listened attentively for any
further sign of invaders.
After a moment, satisfied that
she was alone, she took a step for the door. Rodent
scratchy sounds again!
She froze, not breathing. Silence. Her heart beat fast as
she once again tried to retreat from the bathroom.
This time the noise was accompanied by something touching
the back of her leg! That was, of course, too much to
bear. She literally flew the 8 feet to the bed, clearing
the foot board by a couple feet, to land screaming by my
side.
This is not a pleasant way to wake up. Scrambling into
consciousness, now scared half to death myself, I managed
to get the light on.
The culprit was right there in plain sight, a trail of
toilet paper neatly marked the path from bed to the
bathroom.
*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*
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Stay tuned for more of Fred's Funnies!