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Here are some more of Fred's jokes!
The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot,
said, "I would like to know two things. First: Why did you revolt?
Second: How did you get out of your cell?"
One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because
the food is awful."
"I see. And what did you use to break the bars?", the warden asked.
Replied the spokesman, "French Toast..."
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Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands.
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings.
People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria.
People with a newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom.
Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
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My sister, Sharon, and I are close, and that allows us to be
honest with each other.
As I fidgeted in front of the mirror
one evening before a date, I remarked, "I'm fat."
"No, you're not," she scolded.
"My hair is awful."
"It's lovely."
"I've never looked worse," I whined.
"Yes, you have," she replied.
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Most people hate to parallel park.
The other day, I saw
this woman trying to get out of a tight parking space. She'd
bump the car in front, then back-up and strike the car behind
her. This went on about 2-3 minutes.
I walked over to see if I could somehow help. My offer was
declined though. She said, "Why have bumpers if you're not
going to use them once in a while?"
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My engineer husband is meticulous but mild-mannered. While our new house
was being built, he would leave notes for the workmen, politely calling
their attention to mistakes or oversights.
Two weeks before we were to move in, the floors still were not finished,
the bathrooms not tiled, nor were necessary fixtures installed. I was sure
that the work would never be completed in time. However, on moving day,
we found that the house was ready to receive us.
Curious as to how this miracle had been accomplished, I went and checked
where my husband always left his notes for the workmen. Posted
prominently on the living room wall was my husband's last note:
"after September 15, all work will be supervised by 5 children."
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Cruise Chips: 10 Dumbest Questions Asked By Cruise Passengers
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. Does the crew sleep onboard?
2. What time is the midnight buffet?
3. Which elevator takes me to the front of the ship?
4. Do you generate your own electricity?
5. Is this island totally surrounded by water?
6. Is the water in the toilet salt or fresh?
7. What language do they speak in Alaska?
8. What do you do with the ice carvings after they melt?
9. How high above sea level are we?
10. How do we know which pictures are ours?
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The social studies teacher had just finished a unit on war and peace.
"How many of you," he asked, "would say you're opposed to war?"
Not surprisingly, all hands went up. The teacher asked, "who'll give us
the reason for being opposed to war?"
A large, bored-looking boy in the back of the room raised his hand.
"Johnny?" The teacher said.
"I hate war," Johnny said, "because wars make history, and I hate history."
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At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the
perfect mate to some of her friends.
"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company.
He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. Entertain. And stay home at night!"
An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Girl, if that's all you want, get a TV!"
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Stay tuned for more of Fred's Funnies!