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Here are some more of Fred's jokes!
Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and when he examines you he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."
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Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned:
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1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush
your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always
catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
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Great Truths About Life That Adults Have Learned:
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1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2. Wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Families are like fudge - mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held
its ground.
5. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the
inside.
6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber,
not the taste.
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Ad found among the miscellaneous listing in the
Stanwood/Camano, Wash., News:
"Caution, homeowners between Warm Beach and Stanwood *
Daughter will be learning how to drive.
Use caution after leaving garage or porch.
Farmers advised to place hay bales around barns, farm equipment and slow-moving livestock.
She will be driving white sedan with frightened father aboard."
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A trainee for the New York Police Department, was asked
the following hypothetical question: "If your beat was
a lonely path in Central Park, and a beautiful young girl
rushed up to you and declared that a strange man had
suddenly grabbed her, and hugged and kissed her, what
would you do?"
The police-officer-in-training replied without hesitation,
"I would endeavor to reconstruct the crime."
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These two country boys, brothers, were knocking around one lazy
summer day and thought it would be a good prank to push over the
outhouse. They crept up from an advantageous direction like a couple
of commandos, pushed the outhouse over on one side and headed for the
woods. They circled round and returned home an hour later from a
completely different direction thus, trying to divert suspicion from
themselves.
Upon returning, their father approached them with switch in hand and
bellowed, "Did you two push the outhouse over this afternoon?"
The older boy replied, "As learned in school, I cannot tell a lie.
Yes, Father, we pushed over the outhouse this afternoon."
At this revelation, the farmer proceeded to flail the two boys
severely and sent them to bed without supper.
In the morning, the two boys meekly approached the breakfast table and
took their seats. Everything was quiet until their father finally
said, "Have you two learned your lesson?"
"Sure, Dad!" said the big brother, "But, in school we learned that
George Washington admitted to HIS father that he'd chopped down a
cherry tree and he was forgiven because he told the truth."
"Ah yes!' said the farmer, "BUT, George's DAD, wasn't in the cherry
tree when he chopped it down!!!"
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After rear-ending my car, the young man who was driving
came running up to my door and asked, "Are you all right?"
"I'm not sure," I said, handing him my business card.
"Oh, no!" he groaned. "I hit a lawyer!"
Just then my son pulled up in his police cruiser. When
he got out and asked, "Are you all right, Dad?" the
driver moaned again.
Later an ambulance arrived, and an EMT I knew came
running over. "How do you feel, Mr. Clifford?"
At this point the poor driver slumped against his car.
"Okay," he said, "when is the mayor coming?"
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A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The
doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing
wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the
body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father
when he died?"
The 60 year old responded, "Who said he was dead?"
The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is
he very active?"
The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he
still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three
times a week during the summer."
The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well, how old was your
grandfather when he died?"
The 60 year old responded again, "Who said he was dead?"
The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you
are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather
are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"
The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season
and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that,"
said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next
week he is getting married again."
The doctor said, "At 106 years old, why on earth would your
grandfather want to get married?"
His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Who said he
wanted to?"
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Stay tuned for more of Fred's Funnies!