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Here are some more of Fred's jokes!
Five mornings a week, my husband goes to the health club, gets
on the stair-stepper, sets the timer, and buries his nose in a
book. Recently, he noticed an amazingly fit middle-aged woman
who seemed to run circles around everyone, took few breaks, and
rarely even broke a sweat.
"It's not fair," he complained. "By the time I'm dragging
myself off to the showers, she's hopping back onto the
stepper for another session."
One day he came home with a sheepish grin. "Well," he said,
"they're identical twins."
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At our commencement breakfast, two student speakers delivered a list
of "Top Ten Things We Will Always Remember."
When one of them said, "555-7272." all the students laughed.
Sitting near me, one parent whispered to his son, "What's that--the
computer help-desk number?"
"No, Dad," said the student. "It's the phone number for John's Pizza."
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Driving one-liners....
Driving changes people. Everybody on the road today is a regular Dr
Jekyll and Mr Goodwrench.
Half the people on the road should be pulled over by the police, the
other half by psychiatrists.
Traffic is getting so bad during rush hour that you can change a flat and
not lose your place in line.
To some people, driving is transportation. To others it's a contact
sport.
Aggressive drivers are the ones who try to get even after we cut them
off.
The only way to get home on time is to take the day off.
The way some people drive the car should be considered an accomplice.
Traffic was so bad on the freeway, I had to stop twice to make car
payments.
I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity.
I drive so bad, I got my master's degree from Driving School.
I'll never forget the first ticket I ever got--$30 fine for passing on
the wrong side of a subway train.
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Grandma Beats Up Airport Security Guards
by Bob Wallace
Charges were dropped yesterday against Ruth "Grammy" Gordon, an
83-year-old wheelchair-bound grandmother, who was originally charged with
assault and battery, and assault with a deadly weapon, because of an
altercation she had last week with six airport security guards, that left
all six hospitalized.
"Justice has been served," said the 95-pound mother of three and
grandmother of six, as she sat in her wheelchair, aided in her breathing by an oxygen
bottle.
"Now I'm going to sue every fool in the federal government for
ignorance, stupidity, and just plain general incompetence. I'm an
American, and I won't be treated like this."
The problem began last month as Gordon was attempting to board an
airplane.
"These guys are supposed to be some kind of professionals," she said,
"but they're dumber than rocks.
Here they were letting guys who looked just like terrorists walk through
without searching them, and then they pull me aside and tell me they're going
to search me?
I don't think so."
According to one witness, Bud Cort of Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio, one guard,
"who weighed about 300 pounds, looked like he was drunk, and had his shirt
out, told this woman she couldn't board the plane unless they searched her.
He was really rude. That's when the trouble started."
Videotapes showed that Gordon ran the guard down with her motorized
wheelchair, then sat on top of the screaming man while spinning her chair
in circles. "Doofus was so fat he couldn't get up," said Gordon with a
giggle.
One guard who attempted to pull Gordon's wheelchair off of the screaming
man from behind was hit over the head with an oxygen bottle and knocked
unconscious. A third guard, who approached Gordon from the front, was
also left dazed on the floor.
Witnesses said she was cackling, "Put your hands on an old lady, will you?" as she bashed both guards.
The tape also showed a fourth guard attempting to grab Gordon's
wheelchair.
Gordon removed a knitting needle from her purse and stabbed him in his
left buttock.
"What a wimp," she told reporters.
"He started screaming and grabbing his butt and running like a puppy that
someone kicked."
"It was amazing," said another witness, a Scott Ryan. "The whole crowd
just stood there cheering and clapping. I mean, she was whupping butt."
A sixth guard did finally manage to get Gordon in a body hug. "I think
that was the wrong thing to do," said another witness, who declined to be
identified. "She just grabbed him by his greasy hair with one hand and
cracked him across the jaw with her skinny fist.
And down and out he went."
After all this, Gordon's chair was still sitting on top of the first
guard.
The tapes clearly showed her leaning over and yelling, "Apologize to me,
you fat sumbitch, or when I'm done with you you'll just be a greasy spot on
the floor!"
As the crowd roared, the guard cried, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
Uncle! I won't do it again!"
Finally, Gordon surrendered without further incident, and was taken to
jail and released on her own recognizance.
"We didn't have any choice," said an unidentified officer of the court.
"Over 200 people showed up to support her. I think if we had demanded bail, there would have been a riot."
Over 20 lawyers offered to defend her for free. However, realizing the
precariousness of the case, Gordon was not charged with anything. "I
doubt there's a jury in the whole country that would have found her guilty of
anything," said one of the lawyers.
"I'm flying again tomorrow," Gordon told reporters. "And I suggest no
one at the airport so much as look at me wrong."
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While working as a Navy nurse in a military hospital's
emergency room, I was required to introduce myself by my
rank and full name. I usually refer to myself as Ensign
Mike Payne, but one busy day I rushed into a patient's
room, and blurted, "Hi, I'm Ensign Payne."
"Hi," the patient responded. "I'm in some pain too." --RD
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An acquaintance of mine, whose daughter was about to
be married, decided to give her a diamond ring that had
been in the family for several generations. The stone
had never been appraised, so the father asked a gemologist
friend if she would take a look at it. She agreed, but said
that, instead of a fee she would accept lunch at one of
Houston's finer restaurants.
A few days later, as he and the gem expert sat sipping a
glass of Chablis, he showed her the ring. She took out
her jeweler's loupe, examined the diamond carefully and
handed it back.
"Wow," said a diner who had been watching from the next
table. "These Texas women are tough!"
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When a woman in my office became engaged, a colleague offered her
some advice. "The first ten years are the hardest."
"How long have you been married?" I asked.
"Ten years," she replied.
*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*
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Stay tuned for more of Fred's Funnies!