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Here are some more of Fred's jokes!
The Little Boy and the Priest
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backward.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and 2 grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest getting impatient said, "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly, but on leaving the bus he leaned over and said, "Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."
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Donna was attending her High School reunion and was having a blast. As the evening was drawing to a close, the master of ceremonies for the night proceeded to hand out bottles of champagne to the graduates who had traveled the farthest distance to attend the reunion, the graduate who had been married the longest time, the graduate who had become the most successful, etc.
Donna wondered if she was going to get a prize, too. Sure enough, the master of ceremonies called out her name. "Donna, you win with 11 kids." and then, trying to be clever, he added in "And champagne is only half the prize. The other half is a giant, economy size bottle of aspirin."
"Don't bother with the aspirin," Donna replied. "It's obvious with these many kids that I've never had a headache."
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Judi and Gayle were having a rare heart to heart talk. "What do you consider your worst vice," Judi asked.
"I don't like to admit it," Gayle said, "but my worst vice is vanity. Sometimes I sit in front of the mirror and just admire my face."
"I wouldn't worry about it," said Judi. "That's not vanity. That's imagination."
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A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician.
"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."
The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced.
"I'm back!"
Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."
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Gone Fishin' Cajin style
Boudreaux been fishin down by de bayou all de day and he done run outa night crawlers. He be bout redeye to leave when he seed a snake wit a toad frog in hits mouth. He knowed that dem big bass fish likes toad frogs so he dun decided to steal that froggie. That snake, hit be a cottn mouthed water moccasin so'd he have to be real carefull like or he'd git bit.
He snuk up behind de snake and grabbed him roun de haid. That ole snake di'nt lik hit one bit. He commemced to squirm'n an wrapped itself around Boudreaux's arm try'n to get free, but Boudreaux, him had a real good grip on his haid, yea.
Well Boudreaux pried hit's mouth open and got de frog and put's it in his bait can. Now Boudreaux knows that he cain't let go of de snake or hit's goin' ta bite him good, but he had a plan.
He reached into de back pocket of'n his bib over-hauls and pulls out a pint o' moonshine likker. He pours a couple of draps inta de snakes mouth.
Well that snake's eyeballs roll back in hits head and hits body goes limp.
Wit dat Boudreau toss's duh snake inta da crick then he goes back tuh fish'n.
A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumptin tapp'n on his barefoot toe. Well, he slowly look down and dare be dat water mocassin, and he gat two toad frogs in his mouth.
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A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
"I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear - everything there was! - Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie -- the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.
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Stay tuned for more of Fred's Funnies!