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Here are some more of Fred's jokes!
A couple went to pay a visit to another couple, unannounced.
The wife answered the door.
"Come in," she said.
The other couple came in, sat down, then asked, "Where's
John?"
"Oh," replied his wife, "he's in the bathroom, grouting and
spackling."
"Oh, dear," said the other lady, "I had that once and didn't
get over it for two weeks."
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A Hillbilly translates computer terms...
x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*
BAR CODE- The fightin' rules down at the local tavern.
CACHE- What you need when you run out of food stamps.
CHIPS- Pasture muffins you try NOT to step in.
DISKETTE- Female disco dancer.
HACKER- Uncle LeRoy after 32 years of smokin'.
HARDCOPY- Picture looked at when pickin' out a tattoo.
INTERNET- Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
KEYBOARD- Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
MEGAHERTZ- How your head feels after too many beers.
MODEM- What you did when the weeds got too tall.
NETWORK- Scoopin' up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ONLINE- Where to stay when takin' a sobriety test.
ROM- Where the Pope lives.
SERIAL PORT- A red wine you drink for breakfast.
SUPERCONDUCTOR- AmTrak's employee of the year.
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A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to
ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming.
She gave him the once-over and said,
"Sorry, I won't dance with a child."
"Please forgive me," responded the underclassman,"I didn't realize you were pregnant."
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A man stood on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no cars passed. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop.
The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started slowly. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve.
The guy gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest
town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a cantina and asked for two shots
of tequila, and started telling everybody about the horrible
experience he went through.
A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.
About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same cantina, and one said to the other. "Look Pepe, that's the character who climbed into the car while we were pushing it."
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George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law.
During their vacation, and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died.
With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial.
The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very,very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00.
The Consul continued, "in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00."
George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."
The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."
"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person who was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead!
I just can't take that chance!
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Stay tuned for more of Fred's Funnies!