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Here are some more of Fred's jokes!
REAL LIFE ANSWERS TO A TRAFFIC VIOLATION EXAM:
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way
stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker
saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no
longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light
and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being
passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk
driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the
road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*
On my 15th birthday, I opened a package from my mom and sister.
Out came a beauty case containing samples of my very own makeup.
"Oh, neat," my dad said excitedly, "a tackle box!"
My mother and sister explained that it was a beauty kit, not a tackle box.
As I opened it up and showed everyone the eye shadow, mascara, and rouge, my father leaned over to my mother and whispered, "I told you it was a tackle box. Just look at all those lures."
*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*
"You seem to have more than the average share of
intelligence for a man of your background," sneered
the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment,"
replied the witness.
*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about
current events.
The grandson asked his grandmother what she
thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and
just things in general.
The Grandma replied, "Well, let me think a minute. I was born
before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox,
contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill. There was no radar,
credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens.
Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers,
clothes dryers, and the clothes were hung out to dry in the
fresh air and man hadn't yet walked on the moon.
Your Grandfather and I got married first-and then lived
together. Every family had a father and a mother. Until I was
25, I called every man older than I, 'Sir'- and after I turned
25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, 'Sir.'
We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers,
daycare centers and group therapy. Our lives were governed by
the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were
taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to
stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger
privilege.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your
cousins.
Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors
when the evening breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not
purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric
typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny and the President's speeches on our
radios.
And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains
out listening to Tommy Dorsey.
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk.
The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.
Pizza Hut, McDonald's and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had five & dime stores where you could actually buy things for
5 and 10 cents.
Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar and a Pepsi were all a nickel.
And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to
mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600 but who could afford
one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.
In my day, "grass" was mowed, "coke" was a cold drink, "pot"
was something your mother cooked in, and "rock music" was your
grandmother's lullaby.
"Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, "chip" meant a
piece of wood, "hardware" was found in a hardware store, and
"software" wasn't even a word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady
needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us
"old and confused" and say there is a generation gap.....
And how old do you think this grandmother is?
She is only 58 years old.
*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*
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Stay tuned for more of Fred's Funnies!