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Our buddy Fred loves to send us his favourite jokes and funny pictures (where does he find this stuff? LOL), so we decided to give him his own page to share them!
Here are a few to start off the season of spring cleaning and renewed fitness. Enjoy!
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A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman goes to the first house in his new
territory. He knocks, a woman opens the door, and before she has a chance to
say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that
cow manure, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?" The
Salesman says, "why do you ask?"
She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."
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There are two different kinds of people in this world: those who finish what they start, and"
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Some Thoughts on Exercise
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60 years old. She's 97 now, and we don't know where she is!
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
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Waiter: Tea or coffee, gentlemen?
1st customer: I'll have tea.
2nd customer: Me, too. And be sure the glass is clean!
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?
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Exercising with your Dog:
Upper Arms: Throw the ball. Throw the squeaky toy. Throw the Frisbee. Repeat until nauseous.
Inner Thighs: Place the dog's favorite toy between thighs. Press tighter than the dog can pull. Do not attempt bare legged - dogs who favor shortcuts to success will just dig the toy out. You could be damaged.
Calves: After the dog has worn out the rest of your body, hang a circular toy on your ankle and let the dog tug while you tug back. WARNING: This is feasible only for those with strong bones and small dogs.
Upper Body Strength: Lift the dog - off the couch, off the bed, out of the flower bed. Repeat, repeat, repeat. As the dog ages, this exercise is reversed - onto the couch, onto the bed, into the car and so on.
Balance and Coordination, Exercise 1: Remove your puppy from unsuitable tight places. If they're too small for him, they're certainly too small for you. Do it anyway!
Balance and Coordination, Exercise 2: Practice not falling when your dog bounds across the full length of the room, sails through the air, and slams both front paws into the back of your knees.
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During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the
dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.
The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was
happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated
and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.
After going all the way around the room, the children left, and
there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one
child was heard to say, "You see, it IS vanishing cream!"
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Doctor: I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you
know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your
excuse?
Patient: I was just following your orders, Doc.
Doctor: Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no
such order.
Patient: You told me to avoid people who irritate me.
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Stay tuned for more of Fred's Funnies!